


whose idea was this?

by house_of_oakdown



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 13 is a chaotic cinnamon roll, Bill ships everything, Done for Fun, Humor, Multi, No one knows whats happening, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rose wants the peg the Doctor pass it on, The Master wants a hug, This gets more chaotic every time, Yaz lives up to her chat name, consistancy? whos she?, everyone is so ooc but im doing this for fun so i frankly dont care, honestly all these chapters are first drafts so we aint got time for canon anyway, i like to imagine that Bill gave 12 a crash course on texing, in this house we ignore all canon, its just a group of gays who share one braincell between them, so thats how him and 13 are good at it, text fic, the Master wants attention, there is officially no plot in this bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2020-05-15 13:58:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19297153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/house_of_oakdown/pseuds/house_of_oakdown
Summary: A wild group chat appearsHijinks ensue





	1. The Saga Begins

Group Chat started with 13thDoctor, YasminKhan,

 RyanSinclair, +17 More

 

BillPotts: wot

 

DonnaNoble: DOCTOR!

 

DonnaNoble: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?

 

10thDoctor: I didn’t do anything!

 

DonnaNoble: Well someone obviously did something!

 

13thDoctor: holy shit

 

RyanSinclair: NO SWEARING ON MY GOOD CHRISTIAN SEVER

 

YasminKhan: ahem

 

RyanSinclair: let me meme in peace

 

DonnaNoble: who’re you lot then?

 

DonnaNoble: and why the hell are you “13thDoctor”

 

DonnaNoble: last time I checked there was only one Doctor

 

11thDoctor: Yeah, how are you the 13th?

 

13thDoctor: …

 

12thDoctor: New regeneration cycle

 

BillPotts: im dizzy

 

YasminKhan: same

 

RoseTyler: Anyone care to explain what exactly is going on?

 

10thDoctor: Rose…?

 

RoseTyler: Yeees?

 

10thDoctor: …

 

10thDoctor: Forget it

 

10thDoctor: To answer your question, this is a group chat, but I don’t think anyone knows who made it or why

 

TheMaster: What the bloody hell have I been dragged into

 

MarthaJones: thought this might actually be enjoyable

 

MarthaJones: I was wrong

 

TheMaster: Ah, good Saint Martha. How’s the family?

 

10thDoctor: Master, stop

 

13thDoctor: I was lying down, and I just sat up only to realise that my elbow was leaning on Yaz’s earphones so now they are imprinted on my skin

 

13thDoctor: So let’s not digitally murder each other and revel in the stupidity

 

BillPotts: honestly mood

 

MarthaJones: seriously Doctor?

 

MarthaJones: something serious is happening and you say that

 

DonnaNoble: men

 

13thDoctor: 1. I’m sorry, I panicked

 

13thDoctor: 2. I’m a woman so your argument is invalid

 

BillPotts: was i of much influence?

 

YasminKahn: what kind of influence?

 

BillPotts: am lesbian

 

RyanSinclair: breath hitches when she sees a woman

 

YasminKahn: rainbow stripe on top and coat has rainbow lining

 

GrahamOBrien: 1934

 

YasminKahn: OH THE SAPPHIC ENERGY WAS STRONG WITH THAT ONE

 

RyanSinclair: LOOK OUT LADIES THE LESBIAN DOCTOR IS COMING THROUGH

 

13thDoctor: I had a very nice time

 

13thDoctor: So did she

 

BillPotts: i now pronounce you, a certified lesbian

 

13thDoctor has changed their name to CertifiedLesbian

 

YazminKahn: how…

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m tech savvy

 

BillPotts: OH I FOUND IT

 

BillPotts has changed their name to captaingay

 

10thDoctor: What is happening

 

YasminKahn changed their name to Bisaster

 

captaingay: tis us

 

CertifiedLesbian: The Gaystm

Bisaster: here to steal your women

 

RiverSong: Well would you look at that

 

CetifiedLesbian: Mine

 

RiverSong: Who has the handcuffs, dear?

 

captaingay: elope

 

CertifiedLesbian: Already married

 

AmyPond: I’m just sitting back and watching the world burn

 

RoryWilliams: Is it alright to be a tiny bit scared?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Of what? The gays, the murderous psychopath, the mysterious group chat, or the possible impending world ending paradox?

 

RoryWilliams: Yes

 

JackHarkness: i personally find this all very amusing

 

Missy: Ah

 

Missy: A change

 

Missy: I was getting bored

 

12thDoctor: Aren’t you always

 

Missy: Hence why I am welcoming this change

 

Missy: I also want to be included

 

Missy had changed their name to LieutenantLesbian

 

captaingay: our ranks are expanding

 

GrahamOBrien: Are all the names going to be military themed?

 

CertifiedLesbian: It’s really only the gay military

 

Bisaster: “gay military”

 

captaingay changed the group chat name to Gay Military

 

GrahamOBrien: Still

 

GrahamOBrien has changed their name to ChiefBabysitter

 

CertifiedLesbian: That’s a dig at me, isn’t it?

 

Bisaster: ill go down with you baby

 

CertifiedLesbian: Thanks babe

 

captaingay: elope

 

RoryWilliams has changed their name to DeputyBabysitter

 

11thDoctor: Oi

 

TheMaster has changed their name to LiteralBabysitter

 

11thDoctor has changed their name to DontSitOnBabies

 

LiteralBabysitter: I shall babysit if I so please

 

MarthaJones: I’ve got whiplash from how quickly this went to shit

 

MartaJones: Also who’s Missy?

 

LieutenantLesbian: Short for Mistress

 

MarthaJones: So I’m guessing that you also partake in babysitting?

 

LieutenantLesbian: Not as dull as you seem

 

MarthaJones has changed their name to toogoodforthisshit

 

10thDoctor: Too good for everyone who knows you

 

10thDoctor: Too good for me

 

10thDoctor: The universe doesn’t deserve you

 

10thDoctor: I didn’t deserve you

 

10thDoctor: I put you through so much shit

 

10thDoctor: I’m so sorry

 

toogoodforthisshit: Someone hug that man

 

DonnaNoble: where the bloody hell are you?

 

10thDoctor: In my room

 

10thDoctor: The TARDIS should take you

 

DonnaNoble: space man is getting hugs

 

CertifiedLesbian: im shit to my friends

 

Bisaster: FUCK

 

RyanSinclair has changed their name to happydoctorstan#1

 

ChiefBabysitter: There is a cuddle pile on the console room floor

 

DontSitOnBabies: Ponds

 

DontSitOnBabies: Come to me before I join them in the pits of misery

 

AmyPond has changed their name to happydoctorstan#2

 

DeputyBabysitter: Whoever is with the other one, hug him

 

12thDoctor: I’m not too fondesjefg

 

captaingay: Doctor?

 

LieutenantLesbian: He was with me

 

LieutenantLesbian: He is being hugged against his will

 

LiteralBabysitter: Are you seriously hugging the Doctor?

 

LieutenantLesbian: Jealous?

 

LiteralBabysitter: Why would I be jealous?

 

LieutenantLesbian: I was you

 

LieutenantLesbian: You’re jealous

 

LieutenantLesbian: Don’t be, it’s a very unpleasant hug

 

10thDoctor: You’re not hugging me, I’ve got Donna here and I don’t want her dead

 

LiteralBabysitter: Hmm

 

Bisaster: HOLYSHIT

 

Bisaster: SOMETHING JUST BANGED ON THE TARDIS AND THE DOCTOR SHOVED US INTO ANOTHER ROOM AND IM SHITTING MYSELF

 

LieutenantLesbian: How many bangs were there?

 

Bisaster: four

 

LieutenantLesbian: He is getting his hug

 

JackHarkness: shit

 

CertifiedLesbian: This is a surprisingly pleasant hug

 

CertifiedLesbian: He is a surprisingly good hugger

 

CertifiedLesbian: I am pleasantly surprised

 

LiteralBabysitter: Stop texting and hug me

 

captaingay: elope


	2. Waffles, Pancakes, and Yetis, Oh My

Chat Room: Gay Military

 

captaingay: arise gays for i am bored

 

ClaraOswald: what on Earth is happening

 

CertifiedLesbian: It’s not strictly Earth

 

CertifiedLesbian: And no one has a clue

 

ClaraOswald: is no one going to mention the fact that the Doctor is now a woman?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yeah, I was expecting more of a reaction

 

JackHarkness: you got a reaction from me ;)

 

CertifiedLesbian: ew

 

JackHarkness: Doctor you wound me :’(

 

RiverSong: Is he bothering you Sweetie?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yeah

 

CertifiedLesbian: You just cocked a gun, didn’t you?

 

RiverSong: Maybe

 

CertifiedLesbian: Have at him sweetie

 

JackHarkness: DOCTOR

 

CertifiedLesbian: It won’t stick

 

JackHarkness: shes coming

 

JackHarkness: I can hear her high heels

 

JackHarkness: I’m fucked

 

JackHarkness: she found me

 

10thDoctor: Good luck my friend

 

LiteralBabysitter: Why is she allowed to kill him and I’m not?

 

DontSitOnBabies: River actually has self-control and won’t kill him repeatedly

 

DontSitOnBabies: You locked him up and killed him for fun

 

LiteralBabysitter: Still

 

JackHarkness: I may be a bit of a psychopath but I’m not as bad as you ~ River

 

CertifiedLesbian: Ahh, Jack has perished at the hands of River Song

 

JackHarkness: I’m back and she’s gorgeous

 

JackHarkness: it was a pleasure to die at her hand

 

12thDoctor: Let’s stop killing each other

 

LiteralBabysitter: Too late I run this dump now

 

12thDoctor: Someone deal with him I’ve got Missy

 

LieutenantLesbian: You love it

 

12thDoctor: No I don’t

 

LieutenantLesbian: Keep telling yourself that

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m alone, I’ll get him

 

CertifiedLesbian: I think he likes that I’m alone

 

CertifiedLesbian: He has arrived

 

CertifiedLesbian: By the look on his face things that are better left private are about to occur

 

LiteralBabysitter: Stop texting and take me to your bedroom

 

captaingay: fuck then elope

 

Bisaster: but...

 

Bisaster: the doctor is but an overgrown child

 

happydoctorstan#1: i am traumatised

 

CertifiedLesbian: WE’RE NOT HAVING SEX

 

LiteralBabysitter: You couldn’t have just let them think that?

 

CertifiedLesbian: No

 

happydoctorstan#1: OH THANK GOD

 

Bisaster: then what are you doing?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Leaving you in suspense

 

Bisaster: fuck you

 

CertifiedLesbian: Love you too

 

LiteralBabysitter: Stop texting and pay attention to me

 

CertifiedLesbian: Duty calls

 

10thDoctor has created a new chat with DontSitOnBabies,

12thDoctor, and CertifiedLesbian

 

10thDoctor has changed the group name to Doctors

 

10thDoctor: Why are you with the Master?

 

12thDoctor: I can’t tell you

 

10thDoctor: I meant Thirteen

 

CertifiedLesbian: He came to me

 

CertifiedLesbian: I had no say in Mastersitting

 

DontSitOnBabies: Well what are you meant to do when he wants to leave?

 

12thDoctor: Let him

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yeah, I’ll just have to leave him with his TARDIS

 

10thDoctor: But he’s the Master

 

12thDoctor: And so is Missy

 

CertifiedLesbian: And if Missy is with Twelve then I have to let the Master go

 

CertifiedLesbian: He would like me to tell you that he will most definitely drop in for surprise visits

 

10thDoctor: Not a chance

 

CertifiedLesbian: I promise not to hurt and/or kill your pets - The Master

 

DontSitOnBabies: I still don’t trust you

 

DontSitOnBabies: But I have a feeling that you’re going to drop in whether we agree or not

 

CertifiedLesbian: Correct - The Master

 

CertifiedLesbian: Ok I’m back

 

10thDoctor: I’m still not too sure how I feel about this

 

CertifiedLesbian: He said consider it as quiet time with your oldest friend

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m enjoying myself if that’s any consolation

 

12thDoctor: And having Missy here isn’t as bad as I thought it would be

 

CertifiedLesbian: Basically the Master can behave themselves

 

CertifiedLesbian: Just make sure all friends are far away when he visits

 

CertifiedLesbian: Speaking of I don’t think it was a good idea to leave them unsupervised for so long

 

DontSitOnBabies: There are a lot of notifications

 

CertifiedLesbian: You lot deal with them, the Master is currently poking me, and I don’t want to keep him waiting long enough for him to do something worse

 

10thDoctor: Is it bad that I’m scared

 

12thDoctor: Of our friends being left alone? No that’s a completely reasonable reaction

 

Chat room: Gay Military

 

captaingay: so, in short, pancakes are far superior to waffles in many ways

 

RoseTyler: I OBJECT

 

RoseTyler: waffles are the supreme and anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional

 

10thDoctor: What is happening

 

LieutenantLesbian: I shut down your waffles and pancakes and raise you crepes

 

captaingay: shit you right

 

captaingay: i still stand by my pancakes

 

toogoodforthisshit: Pancakes and crepes are like cousins though

 

LieutenantLesbian: Choose

 

toogoodforthisshit: Sorry but you can’t beat a crepe

 

RoseTyler: DOCTOR

 

RoseTyler: TELL THESE WOMEN THAT THEY ARE DELUSIONAL AND THAT WAFFLES ARE SUPERIOR

 

10thDoctor: You can put bananas on pancakes and crepes

 

RoseTyler: traitor

 

captaingay: i propose an alliance between the crepes and pancakes

 

toogoodforthisshit: Alliance accepted

 

LieutenantLesbian: Welcome to the winning argument

 

CertifiedLesbian: Dropping in to say I prefer waffles

 

RoseTyler: thank you

 

happydoctorstan#2: pancakes

 

happydoctorstan#1: waffles

 

captaingay: the stans have split

 

happydoctorstan#1: thats waffles from Graham too

 

Bisaster: its a waffle from me

 

DontSitOnBabies: I’m on team crepe

 

12thDoctor: Stop acting like children

 

captaingay: but it must be decided

 

12thDoctor: I don’t care now shut up

 

captaingay: but daaaaaaaad

 

12thDoctor: Don’t you dare

 

captaingay: sorry

 

captaingay: grandaaaaaaaaad

 

12thDoctor: Bloody hell

 

captaingay has changed 12thDoctor’s name to grandad

 

grandad: Bill

 

captaingay: it suits you

 

grandad: How did you even do that?

 

captaingay: (;

 

JackHarkness: you know what?

 

JackHarkness has changed their name to DoctorPoo

 

10thDoctor: Jack no

 

DoctorPoo: Jack yes

 

10thDoctor: Fine

 

10thDoctor has changed their name to CaptainJock

 

ClaraOswald: I am genuinely scared right now

 

LieutenantLesbian: That’s a fair reaction

 

ClaraOswald: I would like to bring attention to the fact that Mickey Smith has not said anything

 

RoseTyler: he probably muted the chat

 

RoseTyler: it’s his reflex reaction to any group chat

 

MickeySmith: I mute my notifications and lurk

 

RoseTyler: basically he’s a cryptid

 

ClaraOswald: ah we’re in a group chat with the yeti

 

MickeySmith has changed their name to yeti

 

yeti: correct

 

RoseTyler: I think the rest of us should just change our names already

 

CaptainJock: I mean you are kind of the odd ones out

 

DoctorPoo: yeah

 

RiverSong has changed their name to holdbacktheRiver

 

RoseTyler had changed their name to thisRosehasthorns

 

ClaraOswald has changed their name to wouldburnsoup

 

DonnaNoble has changed their name to shoutingatmyproblems

 

CertifiedLesbian: He has left my TARDIS

 

LiteralBabysitter: “He” has a name

 

CertifiedLesbian: I know you do (;

 

LiteralBabysitter: Don’t you dare

 

CertifiedLesbian: Don’t worry I wouldn’t

 

CertifiedLesbian: If I said yours you’d say mine

 

LiteralBabysitter: Smart move

 

shoutingatmyproblems: say it for a laugh

 

CaptainJock: Donna no

 

CaptainJock: There’s a reason I don’t tell anyone my name

 

shoutingatmyproblems: which is?

 

LieutenantLesbian: He’ll get back to you on that

 

CertifiedLesbian: I want to mute him but I know the second I unmute him he’ll say it

 

grandad has muted LiteralBabysitter for 1 hour

 

DontSitOnBabies: what have you done

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so now that everyone's names have been changed, here's a list of them
> 
> 10 - CaptainJock  
> 11 - DontSitOnBabies  
> 12 - grandad  
> 13 - CertifiedLesbian  
> The Master - LiteralBabysitter  
> Missy - LieutenantLesbian  
> Rose - thisRosehasthorns  
> Mickey - yeti  
> Martha - toogoodforthisshit  
> Donna - shoutingatmyproblems  
> Amy - happydoctorstan#2  
> Rory - DeputyBabysitter  
> River - holdbacktheRiver  
> Clara - wouldburnsoup  
> Bill - captaingay  
> Yaz - Bisaster  
> Ryan - happydoctorstan#1  
> Graham - CheifBabysitter


	3. In Which People Are Punched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprisingly it’s not the Doctor

Chat Room: Gay Military

 

LiteralBabysitter: Fuck you Theta

 

wouldburnsoup: Thank you

 

CaptainJock: Language, Koschei

 

captaingay: o shit

 

captaingay: we getting more than what we bargained for

 

CertifiedLesbian: You didn’t bargain for shit

 

happydoctorstan#2: as the Doctor’s mother in law I find this information very useful

 

DoctorPoo: the DocTORS WHAT

 

happydoctorstan#2: mother in law

 

happydoctorstan#2: they married my daughter

 

happydoctorstan#2: it’s not that hard

 

DoctorPoo: dear lord

 

shoutingatmyproblems: forget that, we know the Doctor’s name now

 

CertifiedLesbian: No you don’t

 

shoutingatmyproblems: yes we do

 

CertifiedLesbian: No you don’t

 

CertifiedLesbian: Theta is less my name and more a nickname

 

CaptainJock: It was just used so much it might as well have been my name

 

captaingay: you have betrayed us, you babysitting cunt

 

LiteralBabysitter: Betrayal is one of my top skills

 

CaptainJock: Don’t I know it

 

wouldburnsoup: I take it that’s not your real name either?

 

LieutenantLesbian: Maybe someday, poppet

 

shoutingatmyproblems: i hate everyone here

 

CaptainJock: You don’t mean that

 

shoutingatmyproblems: yes I do space man

 

shoutingatmyproblems: you especially

 

CaptainJock: :(

 

shoutingatmyproblems: in a friend way

 

CaptainJock: :)

 

thisRosehasthorns: I’m sorry what

 

thisRosehasthorns: How does one hate ‘in a friend way’

 

LieutenantLesbian: Easy

 

LiteralBabysitter: The Doctor and I have been doing it all our lives

 

DontSitOnBabies: You have literally tried to kill me on multiple occasions

 

DontSitOnBabies: I think we’ve passed ‘in a friend way’

 

CertifiedLesbian: But if we’re just talking about the academy then he’s kinda right

 

DontSitOnBabies: WHOS SIDE ARE YOU ON???

 

CertifiedLesbian: Mine bitch

 

Bisaster: STOP SWEARING

 

happydoctorstan#1: yeah doctor, stop fucking swearing

 

Bisaster: i stg

 

ChiefBabysitter: And you wonder why I choose this name

 

DontSitOnBabies: If you’re on your side then that means you’re on my side

 

CertifiedLesbian: Also means that YOU’RE on MY side

 

captaingay: i haev a headache

 

Bisaster: haev

 

captaingay: GIMMOE A BEAK

 

Bisaster: gimmoe

 

CertifiedLesbian: beak

 

captaingay: fuck you both

 

CertifiedLesbian: :)

 

Bisaster: love you too

 

DontSitOnBabies: Ok Rory where are you?

 

DeputyBabysitter: Lost

 

happydoctorstan#2: ffs

 

DontSitOnBabies: Are you on the TARDIS?

 

DeputyBabysitter: No I’m inside it

 

DontSitOnBabies: …

 

DontSitOnBabies: I’m not helping you

 

DeputyBabysitter: DOCTOR

 

happydoctorstan#2: you deserve this fate

 

DeputyBabysitter: AMY

 

CertifiedLesbian: What can you see?

 

DeputyBabysitter: Corridors

 

DeputyBabysitter: Doors

 

CertifiedLesbian: Know what’s behind the doors?

 

DeputyBabysitter: One has a pool

 

CertifiedLesbian: Ok

 

CertifiedLesbian: Face the door then turn right, go straight ahead, two lefts, a right and another left

 

DeputyBabysitter: Thanks

 

DeputyBabysitter: I’m even more lost

 

CertifiedLesbian: I never said it was the way to the console room

 

CertifiedLesbian: I haven’t seen that layout in years

 

DeputyBabysitter: I hate everyone

 

grandad: I’ve got a map of the layout here

 

DeputyBabysitter: Really?

 

captaingay: can confirm

 

DeputyBabysitter: Ok good

 

DontSitOnBabies: NO

 

happydoctorstan#2: DONT HELP HIM

 

grandad: Go back to the pool then go the other way, take a left, two rights, two lefts, then a right

 

DeputyBabysitter: Thank you

 

DeputyBabysitter: I’m no longer lost

 

happydoctorstan#2: there are no words to describe the betrayal I feel

 

DeputyBabysitter: Till death do us part and all that

 

happydoctorstan#1: yaz is down

 

happydoctorstan#1: i repeat yaz is down

 

captaingay: why? what happened?

 

Bisaster: hhnnnn

 

Bisaster: doctor hot

 

captaingay: what happened?!

 

happydoctorstan#1: so this asshole was being racist to yaz (the “go back to your country” bullshit) and she was nothing short of fuming when the doctor walked over with this completely calm look on her face and FUCKING SOCKED HIM IN THE FACE

 

captaingay: HOLY SHIT

 

happydoctorstan#1: nothing like punching a racist in the face to render yaz head over heels

 

captaingay: living up to her name

 

Bisaster: bdjdskanas

 

Bisaster: help

 

captaingay: my doctor did the same for me

 

happydoctorstan#1: really?

 

captaingay: yea

 

captaingay: we were in 19th century london and this rich bloke called me a thing and the doctor just tapped his shoulder and im pretty sure he broke his nose

 

grandad: I was aiming for charming

 

toogoodforthisshit: 1969 the Doctor almost hit this guy who was looking at me funny

 

happydoctorstan#1: does the doc just casually punch racists?

 

CaptainJock: There’s no reasoning with someone who is so utterly convinced that another human being is less than them because of race

 

happydoctorstan#2: we went to the 18th century once and this bloke was being a dick since I dare be a woman and the Doctor went off on this passive aggressive rant and let him know that he could and would hit him

 

thisRosehasthorns: I want an aggressive Doctor story :(

 

CaptainJock: Rose, sweetheart, our entire dynamic was: someone’s being a dick, Doctor lets you loose, you give them hell, Doctor sits back and watches

 

thisRosehasthorns: True

 

thisRosehasthorns: OH OH I HAVE ONE

 

thisRosehasthorns: It wasn’t to defend me but still

 

happydoctorstan#2: share with the class

 

thisRosehasthorns: SO

 

thisRosehasthorns: This prick was being a prick (no shit) and wasn’t helping us find out why people were disappearing and yelled about how “he was talking!” And the Doctor just stands up, gets in his face and yells how he’s not listening and gave this angry mini speech on how he’s trying to help and I’ve never wanted to peg him more

 

shoutingatmyproblems: he just spit out his tea

 

wouldburnsoup: I mean that Doctor was quite nice on the eyes so I get where you’re coming from

 

captaingay: everyone who would like to bang the doctor say i

 

thisRosehasthorns: I

 

Bisaster: i

 

LieutenantLesbian: I

 

LiteralBabysitter: I

 

happydoctorstan#2: I

 

DeputyBabysitter: You are married

 

happydoctorstan#2: still

 

DoctorPoo: I

 

holdbacktheRiver: I already have

 

captaingay: that it?

 

wouldburnsoup: I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea

 

wouldburnsoup: I

 

captaingay: mkay

 

captaingay created a new chat with thisRosehasthorns, Bisaster, LieutenantLesbian, LiteralBabysitter, happydoctorstan#2, DoctorPoo, holdbacktheRiver and wouldburnsoup

 

captaingay has named the chat Thirsty Hoes

 

captaingay: enjoy

 

captaingay has left the chat

 

Bisaster: oh boy


	4. Questionable Dates and Toxic Bee Creepers

Chat Room: Gay Military

 

CaptainJock: Shit

 

thisRosehasthorns:???

 

LiteralBabysitter: >:)

 

thisRosehasthorns: Ahh

 

Chat Room: Thirsty Hoes

 

thisRosehasthorns: You better not hog that beauty

 

LiteralBabysitter has sent 26 photos

 

LieutenantLesbian: Lovely

 

LiteralBabysitter has sent 39 photos

 

thisRosehasthorns: HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT SHES HOT

 

DoctorPoo: keeping us well fed

 

Bisaster has sent 68 photos

 

Bisaster: try me bitch

 

DoctorPoo: you couldn’t have sent one more?

 

Bisaster: i didnt want to give you the satisfaction

 

DoctorPoo: you wound me

 

Bisaster: perish

 

DoctorPoo: :(

 

LieutenantLesbian has sent 294 photos

 

LieutenantLesbian: Bow down before me, peasants

 

Bisaster: bill was right

 

Bisaster: we really are thirsty

 

Chat Room: Gay Military

 

grandad: Stop harassing him

 

CertifiedLesbian: OI

 

CertifiedLesbian: You never said ANYTHING when he came to me!

 

grandad: You’re an older me therefore have the experience of dealing with Missy

 

grandad: He doesn’t

 

CertifiedLesbian: Still

 

LiteralBabysitter: Do you want me over >:)

 

toogoodforthisshit: Direct me towards whoever taught you that emoji

 

toogoodforthisshit: I just want to talk

 

LiteralBabysitter: >:)

 

toogoodforthisshit: <—-

 

CaptainJock: Hey Thirteen

 

CaptainJock: Master incoming

 

CertifiedLesbian: See what you’ve done now?

 

Chat Room: Thirsty Hoes

 

LiteralBabysitter: Get ready mother fuckers

 

Bisaster: lets get hydrated people

 

Chat Room: Gay Military

 

CertifiedLesbian: Oooh

 

CertifiedLesbian: He’s classy

 

DoctorPoo: wat

 

CertifiedLesbian: He brought flowers (surprisingly authentic and not murderous) and a packet of custard creams (not poisonous)

 

DoctorPoo: whats the catch?

 

LiteralBabysitter: Nothing

 

LiteralBabysitter: I’m just talking my oldest frenemy on a date

 

CertifiedLesbian: To Flexico

 

CertifiedLesbian: The planet that is basically there so people can blow it up

 

LiteralBabysitter: Legally

 

LiteralBabysitter: I know how you are

 

LiteralBabysitter: Would’ve been much more fun if it wasn’t but I’ll take it

 

captaingay: should i be concerned?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Nah

 

CertifiedLesbian: This place has this special thing that rebuilds the terrain after you blow it to pieces

 

LieutenantLesbian: It’s an amusement park for pyromaniacs

 

captaingay: ah

 

captaingay: romantic

 

LiteralBabysitter: I know

 

DoctorPoo: well you two lovebirds enjoy blowing up a planet

 

ChiefBabysitter: Honestly the Doc is so unpredictable she might just do that

 

CertifiedLesbian: I have no idea if I will

 

CertifiedLesbian: But it’s legal so I guess I’ll try

 

captaingay: plot twist: youre on the wrong planet

 

LiteralBabysitter: She’s checked the coordinates 8 times now

 

LiteralBabysitter: Unfortunately that won’t happen

 

CertifiedLesbian: Ok it’s the right planet

 

CertifiedLesbian: Hopefully I still look the same at the end of this

 

CertifiedLesbian: If not

 

CertifiedLesbian: Here’s hoping I’ll be ginger

 

LieutenantLesbian: Stop being so dramatic

 

CertifiedLesbian: Says the one

 

DontSitOnBabies: Knock it off

 

LieutenantLesbian: Sorry Dad

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yeah sorry

 

DontSitOnBabies: I swear…

 

LiteralBabysitter: Stop texting and blow shit up with me

 

CertifiedLesbian: Duty calls

 

CaptainJock: I almost feel like I’m witnessing my death

 

DontSitOnBabies: Yeah…

 

LieutenantLesbian: Well aren’t you two a barrel of laughs

 

captaingay: FUCK

 

captaingay: FUCK

 

captaingay: MAYDAY

 

captaingay: wait

 

captaingay: MAYGAY

 

Bisaster: what’s wrong???

 

captaingay: HNNN

 

captaingay: PRETTY FEMALE DETECTED

 

Bisaster: gays assemble

 

DoctorPoo: presant

 

thisRosehasthorns: Bisexual standing attention

 

happydoctorstan#1: im a gay male but im here for moral support

 

Bisaster: always appreciated

 

DoctorPoo: what does she look like?

 

captaingay: uhh

 

captaingay has sent 1 photo

 

Bisaster: BSKDIFNWBD

 

Bisaster: THANKS

 

happydoctorstan#1: holy shit

 

captaingay: ???

 

happydoctorstan#1: thats yaz

 

captaingay: the FUCK

 

Bisaster: slight problem

 

Bisaster: im in my bed

 

captaingay: FUCK SAKE

 

DoctorPoo: time travel is homophobic

 

Bisaster: wait

 

Bisaster: bill

 

captaingay: yea

 

Bisaster: what do you look like?

 

captaingay: a hot mess

 

Bisaster: no seriously

 

captaingay has sent 1 photo

 

Bisaster: ah

 

Bisaster: bill

 

Bisaster: go say hi

 

captaingay: yay

 

DoctorPoo: i revoke my previous statement

 

Chat Room: Thirsty Hoes

 

LiteralBabysitter has sent 12 photos

 

LiteralBabysitter has sent 1 video

 

LiteralBabysitter: Baby’s first boom

 

happydoctorstan#2: that laugh was too pure to have come from someone who just blew something up

 

thisRosehasthorns: Oh my god she’s adorable

 

DoctorPoo: guys this is a thirst chat

 

DoctorPoo: there is no room for this pure shit

 

LiteralBabysitter has sent 17 photos

 

LiteralBabysitter: Don’t tell me what to do

 

thisRosehasthorns: HER SMILE

 

thisRosehasthorns: SHE SHOULD NOT BE HAVING THAT MUCH FUN

 

happydoctorstan#2: ok where the hell is River in all this?

 

holdbacktheRiver: Enjoying the content

 

LieutenantLesbian: How?

 

holdbacktheRiver: I’ll let you decide that

 

happydoctorstan#2: YOUR MOTHER IS RIGHT HERE

 

holdbacktheRiver: And thirsting over your daughter’s spouse

 

happydoctorstan#2: shut up

 

Chat Room: Doctors

 

CaptainJock: Why are you enjoying yourself

 

CertifiedLesbian: Adrenaline

 

CertifiedLesbian: That and he’s taking loads of pictures of me

 

CertifiedLesbian: Poor thing thinks I don’t know

 

grandad: I don’t remember being so judgemental

 

CertifiedLesbian: Says the one

 

grandad: I’m trying to help you

 

CertifiedLesbian: By being incredibly hypocritical

 

DontSitOnBabies: We do have a bit of a habit of doing that though

 

CertifiedLesbian: No one asked you

 

grandad: Can we have one conversation without arguing?

 

DontSitOnBabies: Very unlikely

 

CertifiedLesbian: We might be able to if SOMEONE didn’t keep calling us here just be judgy

 

CaptainJock: Sorry for being concerned for my future

 

CertifiedLesbian: If he really wanted to kill us he would have already

 

CaptainJock: …

 

CaptainJock: Fair enough

 

CertifiedLesbian: So may I get on with it?

 

CaptainJock: I guess

 

CertifiedLesbian: Thank you

 

Chat Room: Gay Military

 

captaingay: heheheh

 

Bisaster: have fun?

 

captaingay: yeh

 

happydoctorstan#1: guess what?

 

Bisaster: what

 

happydoctorstan#1: creeper

 

DoctorPoo: AWW MAN

 

Bisaster: dear lord

 

captaingay: im confused

 

happydoctorstan#1: [ https://youtu.be/cPJUBQd-PNM ](https://youtu.be/cPJUBQd-PNM)

 

captaingay: OH THATS MY SHIT

 

happydoctorstan#1: yall ready?

 

DoctorPoo: my time has come

 

Bisaster: ive got the lyrics up

 

captaingay: LETS GO LESBIANS

 

happydoctorstan#1: creeper

 

DoctorPoo: AW MAN

 

captaingay: aw man

 

captaingay: FUCK

 

Bisaster: ai ai ai

 

happydoctorstan#1: take 2

 

happydoctorstan#1: creeper

 

Bisaster: aw man

 

DoctorPoo: so we back in the mine

 

captaingay: got our picaxe

 

Bisaster: swinging from side to side

 

happydoctorstan#1: side

 

captaingay: side side to side

 

captaingay: SHIT

 

Bisaster: NO JUST KEEP GOING

 

happydoctorstan#1: this task a gruelling one

 

happydoctorstan#2: According to all known laws of aviation there is no way a bee should be able to fly

 

Bisaster: FUCK OFF

 

LieutenantLesbian: Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground

 

captaingay: HOPE TO FIND SOME DIAMONDS TONIGHT

 

DoctorPoo: NIGHT NIGHT

 

captaingay: DIAMONDS TONIGHT

 

wouldburnsoup: The bee, of course, flies anyway

 

happydoctorstan#1: HEADS UP

 

happydoctorstan#2: because bees don't care what humans think is impossible

 

captaingay: YOU HEAR A SOUND

 

DoctorPoo: TURN AROUND AND LOOK UP

 

LieutenantLesbian: Yellow black yellow black yellow black yellow black

 

happydoctorstan#1: TOTAL SHOCK FILLS YOUR BODY

 

wouldburnsoup: Ooh black and yellow

 

thisRosehasthorns: TASTE OF YOUR LIPS IM ON A RIDE

 

Bisaster: oh god

 

toogoodforthisshit: You’re toxic I’m slipping under

 

captaingay: OH NO ITS YOU AGAIN

 

DeputyBabysitter: I’m surprised the Doctor’s not involved in this

 

DontSitOnBabies: Oh really

 

DeputyBabysitter: Oh god

 

CertifiedLesbian: TASTE OF A POISON PARADISE

 

CaptainJock: I COULD NEVER FORGET THOSE EYES

 

DontSitOnBabies: Let’s shake it up a little

 

grandad has left the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is slowly descending into chaos
> 
> So I’ve been considering writing one shots on some of the events mentioned in this so if you think I should please tell me


	5. Actions Have Consequences

Chat Room: Gay Military

 

captaingay: i miss him

 

CertifiedLesbian: There’s no one to disappoint anymore

 

happydoctorstan#1: f

 

Bisaster: f

 

captaingay: f

 

DoctorPoo: f

 

wouldburnsoup: F

 

grandad has been added to the chat

 

captaingay: •0•

 

Bisaster: are we really that powerful?

 

9thDoctor has been added to the chat

 

thisRosehasthorns: The fuck

 

9thDoctor: Dear Lord

 

grandad: Why am I back here?

 

9thDoctor: I’m sorry what’s this?

 

9thDoctor: Who is everyone

 

CertifiedLesbian: Wild group chat

 

CertifiedLesbian: And your future incarnations and friends

 

CertifiedLesbian: And the Master

 

LiteralBabysitter: I’m not your friend?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Far from it

 

LiteralBabysitter: But I brought you BISCUITS

 

CertifiedLesbian: Tough shit

 

LieutenantLesbian: Am I your friend?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Always :)

 

LiteralBabysitter: WHAT THE FUCK

 

LiteralBabysitter: WE ARE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON

 

CertifiedLesbian: She’s my favourite though :)

 

LiteralBabysitter has left the chat

 

CertifiedLesbian: :(

 

LiteralBabysitter has been added to the chat

 

CertifiedLesbian: :)

 

JohnSmith has been added to the chat

 

CertifiedLesbian: :0

 

9thDoctor: Who is this?

 

JohnSmith: An innocent man who did not deserve this

 

thisRosehasthorns: Welcome >:3

 

JohnSmith: Oh Lord

 

JohnSmith: I’ve heard legends of this chat

 

LiteralBabysitter: So every time someone leaves they and someone else gets added?

 

CaptainJock: It would appear so

 

LiteralBabysitter: Missy

 

LieutenantLesbian: Yes dearest?

 

LiteralBabysitter: What do you say we keep leaving until there’s more of us?

 

grandad has locked LiteralBabysitter and LieutenantLesbian in the chat

 

grandad: I don’t think so

 

LieutenantLesbian: You’re holding us hostage

 

9thDoctor: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

 

9thDoctor: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN

 

CertifiedLesbian: No :)

 

9thDoctor: Why not?

 

CertifiedLesbian: It’s fun :)

 

captaingay: im so confused

 

CertifiedLesbian: Well he’s a past version of me and John Smith is sorta me but not really

 

JohnSmith: My Doctorness is a bit debatable

 

9thDoctor: Oh so whoever that is gets an explanation but I don’t?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yep :)

 

grandad: That’s Thirteen

 

grandad: She’s the oldest Doctor

 

CertifiedLesbian: Spoil sport

 

9thDoctor: How?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Regeneration dumbass

 

9thDoctor: No I mean how do you exist if I can only regenerate 3 more times?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Not anymore :D

 

grandad: Second cycle

 

9thDoctor: How?

 

CertifiedLesbian: The Time Lords dumbass

 

9thDoctor: But they’re dead

 

CertifiedLesbian: Not anymore :D

 

grandad: Gallifrey is in a pocket dimension

 

grandad: Also worth noting that Ten regenerated but kept the same face

 

CaptainJock: I didn’t?

 

grandad: You will

 

CertifiedLesbian: You were very vain

 

grandad: If you’re not going to help can you just shut up

 

CertifiedLesbian: I am helping!

 

grandad: How?

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m making up for your grumpiness

 

grandad has muted CertifiedLesbian

 

captaingay: f

 

Bisaster: f

 

thisRosehasthorns: F

 

DontSitOnBabies: Rest easy our fallen soldier

 

DoctorPoo: f

 

LiteralBabysitter: Well someone has to honour her legacy >:)

 

grandad has muted LiteralBabysitter

 

LieutenantLesbian: Stop being rude

 

grandad has muted LieutenantLesbian

 

grandad: So any way

 

justtryandsilenceme has joined the chat

 

captaingay: whomst

 

justtryandsilenceme: WHO indeed

 

captaingay: ???

 

justtryandsilenceme: It’s me

 

justtryandsilenceme Thirteen

 

justtryandsilenceme: I’m back

 

grandad: You’re like a fly

 

justtryandsilenceme: >:3

 

justtryandsilenceme has muted grandad

 

justtryandsilenceme has unmuted CertifiedLesbian, LiteralBabysitter and LieutenantLesbian

 

justtryandsilenceme has left the chat

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m back from the dead

 

LieutenantLesbian: Thank you dear

 

captaingay: so when’s he coming back?

 

CertifiedLesbian: when he’s less of a dick

 

LiteralBabysitter: So never

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yep

 

9thDoctor: I’m still very confused

 

CertifiedLesbian: Perish

 

CaptainJock: Ok I’ve completely forgotten who’s who

 

CertifiedLesbian: Name and who you’re with?

 

9thDoctor: FUCK SAKE

 

CertifiedLesbian: :)

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m Thirteen and I’m travelling with Yaz Ryan and Graham but I’m currently alone right now

 

LiteralBabysitter: Not for long >:)

 

holdbacktheRiver: Not so fast

 

CertifiedLesbian: Correction

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m currently with the Master and my wife

 

9thDoctor: The Master

 

9thDoctor: But he’s dead

 

LiteralBabysitter: Not anymore >:D

 

9thDoctor: How?

 

CertifiedLesbian: He’s The Master dumbass

 

CertifiedLesbian: He doesn’t fucking stay dead

 

captaingay: im bill potts

 

captaingay: im “travelling” with twelve (grandad)

 

wouldburnsoup: Clara Oswald, I’ve gone rouge

 

9thDoctor: Rouge?

 

wouldburnsoup: Twelve stole another TARDIS and ran away, things happened and I stole it off him and now I’m flying around with my immortal girlfriend

 

captaingay: we stan

 

CertifiedLesbian: CLARA

 

CertifiedLesbian: FORGOT TO MENTION (quite ironic considering) STUFF HAPPENED AND I REMEMBER YOU

 

wouldburnsoup: Only you could forget about remembering

 

9thDoctor: Shut up and tell me who’s who

 

CertifiedLesbian: No

 

JohnSmith: Shut up and tell me who’s who

 

CertifiedLesbian: YAZ

 

Bisaster: im yasmin khan and i travel with the hyperactive dumbass known as 13

 

9thDoctor: So you just don’t like me is that it?

 

thisRosehasthorns: I like you :D

 

thisRosehasthorns: I’m Rose Tyler and I’m currently in a parallel universe with my very own organically grown Doctor clone who doubles as my husband

 

JohnSmith: That would be me

 

9thDoctor: Yeah I’m currently looking right at Rose Tyler

 

thisRosehasthorns: :0

 

thisRosehasthorns: I WANNA SAY HI

 

9thDoctor: No

 

thisRosehasthorns: :(

 

thisRosehasthorns: Fuck introductions

 

thisRosehasthorns: Basically we’re all gay

 

DontSitOnBabies: I’m Eleven

 

CaptainJock: Ten

 

DoctorPoo: jack harkness

 

CertifiedLesbian: That’s all you need to know

 

9thDoctor: For fuck sake

 

LieutenantLesbian: Side note I’m Missy aka the Master >:3

 

9thDoctor: There’s two of them?

 

LiteralBabysitter: And you’ve never been happier

 

9thDoctor: I have been

 

9thDoctor: Most of my happiest moments occur when you’re nowhere near me

 

LieutenantLesbian: Key word: Most

 

9thDoctor: Wait Thirteen

 

LiteralBabysitter: Avoiding as always

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yea

 

9thDoctor: Wife?

 

holdbacktheRiver: That would be me

 

captaingay: space wives

 

captaingay: :o

 

Bisaster: we stan

 

DeputyBabysitter: Ok but who are you?

 

9thDoctor: I’m the Doctor

 

9thDoctor: Or Nine

 

CertifiedLesbian: He’s a sarcastic asshole

 

captaingay: :o

 

captaingay: a sarcasshole

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yes

 

CertifiedLesbian has changed 9thDoctor’s name to Sarcasshole

 

Sarcasshole: Thanks

 

JohnSmith: Christen me

 

CertifiedLesbian: Hmm

 

thisRosehasthorns: You should not have given us this much power

 

JohnSmith: It’s too late now

 

captaingay: were gonna need your life story

 

JohnSmith: Well I guess my story begins less than 15 hours after Nine regenerated into Ten

 

JohnSmith: Ten lost his hand in a sword fight and grew a new one while Jack promptly abducted the old hand and kept it in a jar

 

JohnSmith: Shit happened, regeneration energy went into the hand, MORE shit happened and I grew out of the hand and then I stayed with Rose in the parallel world and married her

 

captaingay: its so hard not to call you ‘handjob’

 

JohnSmith: Oh god

 

Bisaster has changed JohnSmith’s name to mutatedhand

 

mutatedhand: Thanks

 

captaingay: 12 is staring at me

 

captaingay: i think he wants to be unmuted

 

Bisaster: please dont

 

captaingay: he’s my college tutor

 

captaingay: im just after handing over an essay

 

Bisaster: if you must

 

captaingay: im sorry yall

 

CertifiedLesbian: It’ll take a while to heal from this betrayal

 

CertifiedLesbian: But all wounds heal with time

 

captaingay: thank you

 

captaingay has unmuted grandad

 

grandad: Let’s do introductions all over again shall we?

 

grandad has left the chat

 

captaingay: what have i done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who to add next?
> 
> I’m honestly considering adding the Doctor and the Master from the academy but idk
> 
> Five chapters in and we’re only now doing introductions


	6. Narwhals and Lesbians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M NOT DEAD!!! School's just kicking my ass right now so don't expect anything too soon, just letting you know I'm alive and well

Chat Room: Gay Military

 

Bisaster: im scared

 

grandad has been added to the chat

 

captaingay: this is so damn tense

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m technically the cause of all this

 

CertifiedLesbian: I shouldn’t have muted him

 

captaingay: its a joint blame

 

Koschei has been added to the chat

 

wouldburnsoup: Wait

 

toogoodforthisshit: Oh my God

 

captaingay: YOOO

 

CaptainJock: Holy shit

 

CertifiedLesbian: BITCH

 

LiteralBabysitter: Lovely

 

Koschei: Nope

 

Koschei has left the chat

 

CertifiedLesbian: oh dear god

 

captaingay: who now

 

Koschei has been added to the chat

 

Koschei: The fuck?

 

grandad: Don’t leave

 

Koschei: Why?

 

ThetaSigma has been added to the chat

 

grandad: That’s why

 

ThetaSigma: whom’st’d’ve?

 

captaingay: YOOOOOOO

 

captaingay: DOCTOR IS THAT YOU!?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Ya

 

LiteralBabysitter: My dear Doctor

 

LiteralBabysitter: Your plan to stop more of me entering the chat has failed

 

captaingay: “my dear doctor”

 

captaingay: thats gay

 

LieutenantLesbian: And?

 

captaingay: we stan

 

ThetaSigma: ill say again

 

ThetaSigma: whom’st’d’ve?

 

CertifiedLesbian: You bitch

 

Sarcasshole: Stop talking right now

 

CertifiedLesbian: Whom’st’d’ve do you think you’re talking to?

 

Sarcasshole: A child

 

ThetaSigma: WHOM’ST’D’VE’LY’S’ING’NT’ER

 

Koschei: Dear god

 

CertifiedLesbian: Ok listen up you little shits

 

CertifiedLesbian: BOYS

 

DontSitOnBabies: Yes

 

CaptainJock: Present

 

grandad: I swear

 

Sarcasshole: What the fuck?

 

CertifiedLesbian: So they are all my past selves

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yes I’m a Time Lord

 

CertifiedLesbian: And I’m you

 

Koschei: Which one?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Take a wild fucking guess

 

ThetaSigma: :o

 

ThetaSigma: me?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yes

 

Koschei: There’s six Thetas

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yes

 

Koschei: Fuck

 

ThetaSigma: youve always dreamed of this day

 

ThetaSigma: admit it

 

LiteralBabysitter: Bonus round

 

LieutenantLesbian: We

 

LiteralBabysitter: Are

 

LiteralBabysitter: Also

 

LieutenantLesbian: The

 

LiteralBabysitter: Same

 

LieutenantLesbian: Person

 

LiteralBabysitter: And

 

LieutenantLesbian: We’re 

 

LiteralBabysitter: YOU!!

 

Koschei: Me?

 

Sarcasshole: Unfortunately

 

ThetaSigma: THERES THREE?!

 

LieutenantLesbian: Yes

 

ThetaSigma: this is amazing

 

captaingay: those reactions are so different

 

captaingay: i love it

 

Koschei: Ok but seriously

 

Koschei: What’s happening

 

Koschei: And who are all of you?

 

mutatedhand: Well I’m also kinda the Doctor

 

thisRosehasthorns: My fucking husband

 

Koschei: The Doctor?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Hello

 

Koschei: There’s seven then

 

mutatedhand: 6.5

 

mutatedhand: I’m only half Time Lord

 

ThetaSigma: bitch the fuck?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Magic

 

Sarcasshole: That’s Thirteen

 

Sarcasshole: She’s a fucking bully

 

CertifiedLesbian: Only to you tho :)

 

Sarcasshole: Why just me?

 

CertifiedLesbian: You’re special :)

 

Sarcasshole: I don’t feel fucking special

 

CertifiedLesbian: Well you should

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m going out of my way to give you shit

 

Sarcasshole: Gee thanks

 

ThetaSigma: she?

 

CertifiedLesbian: :)

 

ThetaSigma: seriously?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Oui

 

CertifiedLesbian: Am a woman

 

CertifiedLesbian: It’s fun

 

thisRosehasthorns: A very pretty woman

 

CertifiedLesbian: You don’t know what I look like but thanks

 

thisRosehasthorns: I do

 

Bisaster: NO YOU FUCKING DONT

 

CertifiedLesbian: ???

 

thisRosehasthorns: OH SHIT

 

thisRosehasthorns: Forget I said anything

 

CertifiedLesbian: No

 

CertifiedLesbian: How do you know?

 

CertifiedLesbian: And what the bloody hell do you know Yaz?

 

Bisaster: nothing i swear

 

captaingay: liar

 

Bisaster: BILL NO

 

captaingay: remember I asked who would want to fuck you?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Yeah

 

thisRosehasthorns: BILL PLEASE

 

captaingay: well i chucked them all in a group chat named thirsty hoes and left

 

captaingay: idk what theyve been doing but i can only assume that they exchange hot pics of you

 

Bisaster: BILL

 

Bisaster: YOU FUCKING TRAITOR

 

ThetaSigma: what the fuck is happening

 

thisRosehasthorns: Bill Potts is being a backstabbing little bitch

 

thisRosehasthorns: That’s what

 

captaingay: yall sluts need to own up to it

 

LiteralBabysitter: Always

 

captaingay: yeah we all know you want to fuck the doctor

 

captaingay: this isnt news bitch

 

Koschei: Dear god

 

ThetaSigma: when did this want start?

 

ThetaSigma: for science reasons

 

LiteralBabysitter: It was well established before the end of fifth year

 

LiteralBabysitter: For science of course

 

ThetaSigma: hmm

 

ThetaSigma: it’s twelfth year

 

Koschei: Fuck me

 

ThetaSigma: ok

 

Koschei: BITCH

 

Koschei: THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT

 

ThetaSigma: i know

 

ThetaSigma: but i dont care

 

ThetaSigma: so we doing this or not?

 

happydoctorstan#2: how old are you nasty fuckers?

 

ThetaSigma: 20

 

happydoctorstan#2: carry on

 

CertifiedLesbian: They’d look 12 to you

 

happydoctorstan#2:  OI YOU NASTY WEE SHITS

 

ThetaSigma: TOO LATE BITCH

 

ThetaSigma: HES GETTING THIS DICK

 

Koschei: Kill me now

 

toogoodforthisshit: I leave you alone for half an hour

 

toogoodforthisshit: 30 fucking minutes

 

toogoodforthisshit: And now we’ve got baby Doctor trying to fuck baby Master

 

ThetaSigma: master?

 

LiteralBabysitter: Hello

 

ThetaSigma: I KNEW YOU WERE A KINKY BASTARD

 

ThetaSigma: I FUCKING KNEW IT

 

Koschei: Tell me again why I can’t leave

 

grandad: Every time someone leaves they and someone else gets added back

 

yeti: you can mute it

 

yeti: thats what i did

 

CaptainJock: Jesus Christ I forgot you were in here

 

toogoodforthisshit: We all did

 

yeti: i mean im a fucking cryptid

 

yeti: people not knowing im here is kinda the whole point

 

yeti: and thats all youll hear from me for the next few years

 

yeti: bye hoes

 

Koschei: What the fuck was that?

 

CaptainJock: That was what we call a ‘Mickey’

 

thisRosehasthorns: He never texts so we all have heart attacks when he does

 

toogoodforthisshit: The only way anyone knows he’s still alive is because I live with him

 

thisRosehasthorns: What??? The fuck???

 

toogoodforthisshit: He’s my husband

 

thisRosehasthorns: THE FUCK

 

thisRosehasthorns: @yeti

 

thisRosehasthorns: YOU GOT MARRIED AND DIDNT TELL ME?!

 

thisRosehasthorns: DOES OUR FRIENDSHIP MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!

 

yeti: bye

 

thisRosehasthorns: GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE

 

toogoodforthisshit: He threw his phone across the room (onto the sofa)

 

thisRosehasthorns: Coward

 

Koschei: Is anyone going to give me a straight answer?

 

captaingay: bitch have you seen the name of this chat?

 

captaingay: thats literally impossible

 

Koschei: UGH

 

ThetaSigma: hes banging his head on his desk

 

ThetaSigma: he has been broken

 

DontSitOnBabies: He held out a lot longer than usual

 

ThetaSigma: i know right

 

ThetaSigma: im a bit proud

 

CertifiedLesbian: @Koschei

 

Koschei: What do you want from me

 

CertifiedLesbian: So like grumpy asshole said, I’m Thirteen

 

grandad: Twelve

 

DontSitOnBabies: Eleven

 

CaptainJock: Ten

 

mutatedhand: I’m sorta Ten but I go by John Smith

 

Sarcasshole: He gets an explanation and I don’t?

 

CertifiedLesbian: That’s Nine

 

LiteralBabysitter: Obviously she has a favourite

 

CertifiedLesbian: That’s the Master

 

LieutenantLesbian: And I’m Missy

 

LieutenantLesbian: Also a woman

 

LieutenantLesbian: It happens to everyone at some point

 

Koschei: Everyone?

 

LieutenantLesbian: Well, most of you

 

LieutenantLesbian: Everyone else was just boring

 

DoctorPoo: im the thing they call jack

 

captaingay: i am the one and only bill potts

 

Bisaster: im yaz

 

captaingay: side note

 

captaingay: me yaz and 13 are a little squad of lesbians

 

CertifiedLesbian: It’s great

 

wouldburnsoup: I’m Clara

 

wouldburnsoup: Twelve's carer

 

grandad: She cares so I don’t have to

 

captaingay: i want a carer

 

captaingay: it would be significantly less anxiety

 

thisRosehasthorns: I’m Rose Smith :D

 

mutatedhand: Side note, she only calls herself Rose Smith when it suits her

 

mutatedhand: Most of the time it’s Rose Tyler

 

toogoodforthisshit: I’m Martha and I make a living by being taken for granted

 

CertifiedLesbian: There’s a shit ton more people in here but they’ll turn up eventually

 

ThetaSigma: what the fuck are all those names?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Quality content

 

ThetaSigma: well shit

 

ThetaSigma: im not gonna be boring

 

ThetaSigma has changed their name to chaoticbastard

 

LiteralBabysitter: Your turn

 

Koschei: No

 

chaoticbastard: cmon dont make me commit shenanigans alone

 

LieutenantLesbian: If you don’t change your name we’ll do it for you

 

Koschei: You can do that?

 

captaingay: yep

 

chaoticbastard has changed Koschei’s name to iwanttofucktheta

 

chaoticbastard: perfect

 

iwanttofucktheta: No I don’t

 

chaoticbastard: you literally said it yourself

 

iwanttofucktheta: I hate you

 

chaoticbastard: no you want the fuck me

 

toogoodforthisshit: The world is officially burning

 

captaingay: honestly just fuck each other already

 

chaoticbastard: IM TRYING

 

LiteralBabysitter: This is very amusing

 

CertifiedLesbian: It would be more amusing together (;

 

LiteralBabysitter: Omw

 

Bisaster: do you two do this whenever you drop us off?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Pretty much

 

LieutenantLesbian: Why do I never get any of your love

 

grandad: Because you’re under extreme house arrest

 

CertifiedLesbian: Bit too stabby stabby

 

LiteralBabysitter: I have an idea

 

CertifiedLesbian: Hmm

 

captaingay: in other news, i am slowly but surely building up a stuffed narwhal collection

 

chaoticbastard: excellent way to spend your time

 

captaingay has sent 3 pictures

 

captaingay: im really tempted to name one nardole

 

CertifiedLesbian: Do it

 

grandad: Missy where the fuck are you?

 

LieutenantLesbian: Well, a very pretty lady came knocking on the door so I dumped you and ran off with her

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’ll have her back before midnight

 

CertifiedLesbian: For you at least

 

captaingay: RUN YOU FUNKY LITTLE LESBIANS

 

chaoticbastard: my mind is going to all sorts of possibilities

 

iwanttofucktheta: And you say I’m dirty

 

Bisaster: when those three sluts get together anyone with half a brain assumes a threesome is about to go down

 

Bisaster: hes not being dirty hes just acknowledging the obvious

 

LiteralBabysitter: We’re not going to have a threesome

 

LieutenantLesbian: We’re going to do something much worse

 

CertifiedLesbian: >:3

 

Bisaster: WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN A FUCKING THREESOME

 

captaingay: in which two of the participants are the same person

 

CertifiedLesbian: I guess you’ll never know

 

LiteralBabysitter: Stop texting and get in bed with us

 

CertifiedLesbian: Sayanora

 

captaingay: nasty fuckers

 

Chat Room: Thirsty Hoes

 

LiteralBabysitter has added iwanttofucktheta to the chat

 

LiteralBabysitter: Ok now I’m gone

 

Bisaster: welcome to hell

 

iwanttofucktheta: Fuck

 

thisRosehasthorns: That is the aim, yes

 

iwanttofucktheta: Shit


	7. Drama in Nowhere Land

Chat Room: Gay Military

 

captaingay: old mcdonald had a farm

 

chaoticbastard: a b c d e

 

Bisaster: like a diamond in the sky

 

captaingay: with an oink oink here

 

happydoctorstan#1: and a partridge in a pair tree

 

grandad: Stop

 

CertifiedLesbian: Cha cha real smooth

 

grandad: Dear lord

 

chaoticbastard: holy shit on a biscuit

 

chaoticbastard has sent 1 image

 

chaoticbastard: how????????

 

iwanttofucktheta: Holy shit you’re actually doing your homework

 

chaoticbastard: i like the teacher

 

happydoctorstan#1: i used to never do my homework JUST to spite the teacher

 

Bisaster: then she’d go on rants about the importance of doing homework that lasted practically the whole class

 

happydoctorstan#1: she hated me

 

Bisaster: everyone in that class loved you

 

chaoticbastard: i like you

 

happydoctorstan#1: thx

 

CertifiedLesbian: How DO you do that?

 

chaoticbastard: oh great

 

chaoticbastard: thanks

 

CertifiedLesbian: Younger one are you smart?

 

Sarcasshole: No

 

Sarcasshole: Sorry

 

CertifiedLesbian: One who is basically my husband

 

CertifiedLesbian: Are you smart?

 

LiteralBabysitter: Yes

 

LiteralBabysitter: But unmotivated

 

LiteralBabysitter: I know how to do it I just don’t want to

 

chaoticbastard: OH GREAT

 

CertifiedLesbian: Younger basically husband help your future basically spouse

 

iwanttofucktheta: No

 

chaoticbastard: HOW DO YOU EXPECT US TO GET MARRIED IF YOU WONT HELP ME

 

iwanttofucktheta: Who said I want to marry you?

 

CertifiedLesbian: You did

 

iwanttofucktheta: When?

 

CertifiedLesbian: Spoilers

 

iwanttofucktheta: @chaoticbastard why am I the one doing the heavy lifting in our relationship?

 

chaoticbastard: BITCH

 

chaoticbastard: I DO BELIEVE I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THE FIRST MOVE

 

chaoticbastard: both platonically and sexually

 

captaingay: who got romance?

 

chaoticbastard: no time for that

 

chaoticbastard: skipped the romance and went straight to sex

 

thisRosehasthorns: fucking chaotic icons 

 

CertifiedLesbian: I just realised something

 

captaingay: wot

 

CertifiedLesbian: My name is CertifiedLesbian

 

CertifiedLesbian: But I’ve been snogging the Master for how long now?

 

captaingay: o shit u rite

 

Bisaster: oh fuck

 

Bisaster: what do we call you?

 

wouldburnsoup: You bi or pan?

 

CertifiedLesbian: I’m a Time Lord

 

wouldburnsoup: Ffs

 

LiteralBabysitter: Would you stop with your human sexualities and realise the truth?

 

LiteralBabysitter: She’s obviously Mastersexual

 

wouldburnsoup: Serious answers only

 

LiteralBabysitter: For once I was actually being serious

 

CertifiedLesbian: Wait I like it

 

LiteralBabysitter: See

 

CertifiedLesbian has changed their name to CertifiedMastersexual

 

toogoodforthisshit: <—————

 

CertifiedMastersexual: This is what’s happening now

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Take it or leave it

 

toogoodforthisshit: I’ll leave it, thanks

 

toogoodforthisshit has left the chat

 

CaptainJock: MARTHA NO

 

LiteralBabysitter: I have broken the great Martha Jones

 

LiteralBabysitter: I can regenerate happy now

 

toogoodforthisshit has been added to the chat

 

toogoodforthisshit: FUCK

 

toogoodforthisshit: IM SORRY

 

toogoodforthisshit: I FORGOT

 

O has been added to the chat

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Oh no

 

Bisaster: its the master

 

O: So it is

 

O has changed their name to OnoitstheMaster

 

LiteralBabysitter: FUCK YES

 

LieutenantLesbian: FINALLY

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Ahahaha

 

CertifiedMastersexual: I’m gonna kill you

 

OnoitstheMaster: Jokes on you I’m stuck in nowhere land

 

CertifiedMastersexual: You still haven’t gotten out of there?

 

OnoitstheMaster: So what’s going on here then?

 

captaingay: you the master?

 

OnoitstheMaster: Yes I am

 

captaingay: @CertifiedMastersexual how you holding up

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Not well

 

CaptainJock: Where’s nowhere land

 

OnoitstheMaster: Will you bust me out?

 

CaptainJock: Well it seems like 13 isn’t going to and someone needs to make questionable decisions regarding you

 

CaptainJock: So here I am

 

chaoticbastard: hehe

 

chaoticbastard: theres more

 

iwanttofucktheta: Y’all have no idea how much I want to leave this chat

 

OnoitstheMaster: Oh what’s this

 

DontSitOnBabies: Children

 

Sarcasshole: I am,,, very concerned

 

LiteralBabysitter: Missy

 

LieutenantLesbian: Yes dear?

 

LiteralBabysitter: Divide and conquer

 

LiteralBabysitter: Protect the Doctors

 

LieutenantLesbian: I’ll protect the one I can

 

grandad: Why do I need protection?

 

LieutenantLesbian: When do you not?

 

grandad: That’s fair

 

OnoitstheMaster: @CaptainJock on your right

 

CaptainJock: Hello

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Wait you seriously went to nowhere land?

 

CaptainJock: You weren’t going to

 

CaptainJock: @LiteralBabysitter come pick him up

 

LiteralBabysitter: Omw 

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Wait where are you gonna take him?

 

LiteralBabysitter: Knock knock

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Fuck

 

captaingay: this was the calmest “someone got added oh fuck” that’s ever happened

 

OnoitstheMaster: I’ve got a gut instinct for identifying the Doctor and myself and I simply don’t care enough to learn anyone else’s names

 

thisRosehasthorns: thank the lord for assholes

 

mutatedhand: Oh fuck

 

mutatedhand: There’s more

 

chaoticbastard: isnt it exciting :D

 

mutatedhand: No actually

 

DontSitOnBabies: It’s terrifying

 

LiteralBabysitter: Why do you hate me?

 

DontSitOnBabies: Where should I start?

 

LiteralBabysitter: No I mean

 

LiteralBabysitter: 9 is just confused which is quite understandable

 

LiteralBabysitter: 10 is just done with everything (see: busting future me out of nowhere land)

 

LiteralBabysitter: 12 is babysitting Missy and most definitely snogging her on weekends

 

LiteralBabysitter: And have you read 13’s name?

 

LiteralBabysitter: She’s the most accepting of this situation

 

CertifiedMastersexual: NOT THIS ONE

 

LiteralBabysitter: Hush

 

LieutenantLesbian: Why not?

 

LieutenantLesbian: You’ve got your very own me

 

CertifiedMastersexual: We sent each other to nowhere land

 

OnoitstheMaster: Nowhere land isn’t fun

 

captaingay: new comedy drama coming soon to the bbc

 

captaingay: “you left me in nowhere land”

 

thisRosehasthorns: id watch it

 

CertifiedMastersexual: I wouldn’t

 

CertifiedMastersexual: BECAUS ENOWHERE LAND SUCKS

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Although I did meet Ada there

 

captaingay: whos ada?

 

Bisaster: her girlfriend of the day

 

OnoitstheMaster: Girlfriend?

 

captaingay: ooooo

 

captaingay: conflict in nowhere land

 

CertifiedMastersexual: We’re not in nowhere land becAUSE NOWHERE LAND SUCKS

 

CaptainJock: Can confirm

 

CaptainJock: Source: I went there

 

Bisaster: same

 

captaingay: perfect nowhere land cast if you ask me

 

Bisaster: it feels like your dead

 

captaingay: so literally nowhere land

 

CertifiedMastersexual: There’s no reasoning with you is there

 

captaingay: no

 

captaingay: im a gay space puddle

 

captaingay: i do what i want

 

thisRosehasthorns: oooo so quirky

 

Bisaster: side note: the doctor looks about ready to kill the master

 

Bisaster: or have hate sex with him

 

Bisaster: i can never tell

 

LiteralBabysitter: Well shit

 

LiteralBabysitter: I personally really want some affection but there’s also the possible threat to my safety

 

CaptainJock: Ffs

 

CaptainJock: Come here

 

LiteralBabysitter: Yay

 

LieutenantLesbian: @Sarcasshole @DontSitOnBabies jealous yet?

 

DontSitOnBabies: Not particularly

 

Sarcasshole: …

 

Sarcasshole: A bit

 

CertifiedMastersexual: I’m jealous

 

CaptainJock: Why?

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Because I don’t like this one

 

OnoitstheMaster: I don’t like you either

 

CertifiedMastersexual: @CaptainJock can we swap?

 

CaptainJock: No

 

CertifiedMastersexual: WHY NOT

 

CaptainJock: Because he’s my year long captor

 

CaptainJock: Not yours

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Fuck you

 

CaptainJock: You’re the Mastersexual here

 

LiteralBabysitter: I love you and all but i’m actually really comfortable

 

CertifiedMastersexual: Lies

 

CaptainJock has sent 1 image

 

CaptainJock: I’m starting to wonder if he’ll ever leave

 

LiteralBabysitter: Do you want me to?

 

CaptainJock: Not really

 

toogoodforthisshit: You’re fighting over cuddling the Master?

 

CaptainJock: Yes

 

CertifiedMastersexual: AND IM LOOSING

 

OnoitstheMaster: FUCK YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’M ALIVE
> 
> i’m so sorry for dying there but school has gotten a bit more manageable and i feel a lot more motivated so hopefully that won’t happen again


	8. The Art of Being Both Cruel and Cowardly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 9: Sarcasshole  
> 10: CaptainJock  
> 11: DontSitOnBabies  
> 12: grandad  
> 13: CertifiedMastersexual  
> theta: chaoticbastard  
> tentoo: mutatedhand
> 
> simm!master: LiteralBabysitter  
> missy: LieutenantLesbian  
> dhawan!master: OnoitstheMaster  
> koschei: iwanttofucktheta
> 
> rose: thisRosehasthorns  
> mickey: yeti  
> jack: DoctorPoo  
> martha: toogoodforthisshit  
> donna: shoutingatmyproblems  
> amy: happydoctorstan#2  
> rory: DeputyBabysitter  
> river: holdbacktheRiver  
> clara: wouldburnsoup  
> bill: captaingay  
> yaz: Bisaster  
> ryan: happydoctorstan#1  
> graham: ChiefBabysitter

Chat Room: Gay Military

CertifiedMastersexual: So before 12 regenerated he told me to never be cruel or cowardly

grandad: Why do I get the feeling you’ve done the exact opposite?

CertifiedMastersexual: Yet here I am, hiding from the Master after insulting his outfit

OnoitstheMaster: I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU

CertifiedMastersexual: GOOD LUCK YOU TACKY PIECE OF SHIT

OnoitstheMaster: SAYS THE ONE

captaingay: popcorn is in the microwave

Bisaster: ffs

Bisaster: i wish i could see this

captaingay: you cant???

Bisaster: no

Bisaster: apparently the master is a “dangerous person” and a “threat to my safety”

Bisaster: so im stuck at home while they’re fighting like an old married couple

captaingay: @grandad im sorry but we need to pick her up

grandad: No

captaingay: BUT I MADE POPCORN

grandad: Bill, she is in my future

captaingay: ill blindfold you

captaingay: all good

Bisaster: pleeeeeeeease

CertifiedMastersexual: Yaz is a good girl

CertifiedMastersexual: She won’t break any rules

Bisaster: im a police officer

Bisaster: i get payed to follow the law

grandad: Fine

captaingay: FUCK YES

captaingay: WERE ON THE WAY BABY JUST HANG IN THERE

Bisaster: WOO

CaptainJock: Day 7

CaptainJock: The Master is still in my TARDIS

CaptainJock: I mean I’m hardly complaining

LiteralBabysitter: Good

LiteralBabysitter: I mean why would you complain?

LiteralBabysitter: Look at me

CertifiedMastersexual: Back when you had a sense of fashion

OnoitstheMaster: YOU CANT HIDE FOREVER YOU BITCH

LieutenantLesbian: OI

CertifiedMastersexual: You looked beautiful but the mary poppins of it all took it down

LieutenantLesbian: Kill her

OnoitstheMaster: That’s the idea right now

chaoticbastard: hey

chaoticbastard: remember when you could take an insult?

iwanttofucktheta: When the fuck did I get so easily offended

chaoticbastard: i insulted you so much to make sure you didn’t become a whiny wee bitch

chaoticbastard: apparently i failed

OnoitstheMaster: Did it ever occur to you that I have Emotions?

chaoticbastard: no

iwanttofucktheta: Emotions are overrated

iwanttofucktheta: Why would you want them?

captaingay: YAZ HAS BEEN AQUIRED

Bisaster: LETS FUCKING GO LESBIANS

CertifiedMastersexual: Have fun you funkewhxbsjd

captaingay: ???

OnoitstheMaster: Got you

OnoitstheMaster: Finally

Bisaster: shit

OnoitstheMaster: Now what to docdnsn

Bisaster: ???

CertifiedMastersexual: I KICKED HIS KNEES OUT

CertifiedMastersexual: IM RUNNING FOR MY GODDMAN LIFE

captaingay: I WANNNA SEE THIS

Bisaster: we shall

Incoming video call from Bisaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its short I know, but the next chapter is going to break away from the text format and I just didn't know how to separate it so here we are.

**Author's Note:**

> This was so out of character but so fun to do
> 
> Feel free to leave requests for what could happen


End file.
